Pressure and Peace

It is easy to become overwhelmed by the pressures that surround us in this world. I know I have written about this many times, and that is because the pressures just don't seem to go away...

The recent transition I have been going through has not been one without its pressures. Pressure to know exactly that my future holds, which career I will go into, where I will go to grad school, or will I even go to grad school? There is also a pressure surrounding what I do now, and a feeling like being a nanny right out of college is somewhat "unacceptable", because I should be doing "bigger and better" things at this point in my life. In reality though, these pressures are just the worst. Not fun for someone with anxiety, not fun for someone who has no idea what they really want to do with their life, and not fun for someone who doesn't have the answers to the questions everyone wants to know the answers to-- what the heck are you going to do with your life?

Recently, I walked the bridge with a friend who helped me put into words what I know in my heart to be true. The truth is, I will probably change careers many times in my life. I may not ever directly use what I got my college degree in. God is going to call me to many different things in my life, and the one 'calling' that remains through all of these different seasons in my life is to follow the Lord wholeheartedly and unashamedly. This is my one true calling, wherever I am and whatever I am doing.

My friend asked me questions like: in the past few months, what has brought you the most joy? What do you feel like your gifts and talents are? I was surprised by how hard some of these questions were to answer out loud, even though I knew the answers in my heart. From this conversation came a new sense of direction for my life in my current circumstances. What came forth was a sort of "mission statement". And yes, this mission statement will change in different times in my life. But for now, it is something I have to hold on to and to reference when I feel like I am lost with no sense of direction.

I challenge any of you reading to do an exercise like this, because it will change your heart, your thoughts, and ultimately your daily life. It will bring focus and peace. At least that is what it did for me.

I also wanted to share a bible verse that came to mind while I was writing this post. When we become overwhelmed by the pressures of this world, we can hold on to the fact that Christ has overcome the world. No ifs, ands, or buts!!

John 16:33

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. Buttake heart; I have overcome the world.”

English Standard Version (ESV)

Lessons Learned

Lately I have been pondering what I want in life. Where I find happiness. Where I let the world confuse me.

I've learned a few things lately that are small (yet monumental for me):

     -It is okay to be an introvert.

     -I need a good dose of "alone time" every week.

     -It is okay to prefer watching Hallmark with your grandma on a Friday night.

     -There is an unrealistic (in my opinion) idea or expectation of what Christian community is supposed to look like for our generation. So don't get disappointed when the friendships you have don't look the same as the friendships or "friend groups" of others.

     -I can be happy when I am sitting still.

     -Waiting is not the same thing as sitting stagnant. God can't steer me in a direction if I am anchored. I can and need to be waiting and moving forward at the same time.

     -Sometimes God says "no" to things, and that doesn't mean He will say "yes" to something else in its place. Sometimes He just says "no." BUT, He does always have something else better in mind.

-There is a need for love everywhere. It doesn’t matter where you are or who you are with, love God and others in that place. Don’t listen to what anyone else has to say about that. Don’t listen to the “why do you have to go to that country, there are hurting people here.” WHEREVER you are, love and share what God has given you with those around you. Your neighbors aren’t just those who live near you geographically. They are your brothers and sisters all over the world, in every country, in every village, in every house, in every school. Let God send you. Whether it’s into your backyard or across the world. 

-I feel fulfilled when I am using my talents. Not to show others how great they are, but to show God how great He is. He has given us all talents, and it is glorifying to Him to use them. 

Recently graduating from college, I am in a transition phase, and transition can be awkward. But transition is also a time when we can learn much about ourselves. We just need to open our eyes and open our hearts.

Fashioned into Gold

I made a friend this year who makes me think really hard. She asks me the difficult questions, reads into my emotions and thoughts, and makes me face things I would normally avoid. This is the type of friend that is hard to have (in the best way possible...), but also the type of friend you wouldn't want to live without.

This friend helped me get through some of the toughest months of my life to date. There were days I made poor decisions. There were days I decided I wanted nothing to do with God. There were days I flat-out decided I was not going to be a Christian anymore. She didn't judge me once. She sat in the silence and hurt with me. She encouraged me. She continued to love me.

This friend and I read Job. I declared that this would mark a new time for me. It marked the starting afresh of my relationship with the Lord. It marked my pursuit after the Lord's heart and his desires for me, and his pursuit after my heart. I learned a lot in this book. Not only that Job was righteous, or that Job went through a lot of hard things, or that Job lost everything, or that he still loved and remained righteous through the hardship. What I really learned is that Job was still human. And humans are not perfect.

Job questioned God. He went through times when all of his friends were against him. He went through times when he had no one to walk with him or encourage him. He doubted, as many (most) of us do. He became frustrated. He lacked understanding of God's purpose for the trials and the pain he endured. He begged to make his case before God, and to prove that he was righteous.

Here's the thing though: Job didn't need to prove anything. God knew he was righteous. God knew the depths of Job's heart. God marked every step in Job's path since before he was born. There was nothing Job could earn from God. Just like you and just like me. God knows my pain. He also knows my potential for indescribable joy. God knows my heartaches, but he also knows the capacity of my heart to love and to feel. God knows that when my life is in a mess, I get frustrated, I get angry, I question, I doubt, I even make some bad decisions. But God also redeems. He redeems all of the disappointments. All of the frustrations. All of the doubts. There is nothing more, or nothing less that I could do to make God love me any differently. And while I constantly fail him, he NEVER fails me. It may seem like he lets my world fall apart into a tornado aftermath without the rainbow after the storm. That's because He does, except there is always a rainbow after His storms. We have to go through fire sometimes, before we are fashioned into gold. God has purposes, and they are always good ones.

You are free

Sometimes I wonder about my life,

what am I doing right?

Am I rescuing people from their strife?

am I wiping their tears in the night?

I desire to be able to love enough

and to share that love with all,

but why does it feel so tough?

why do I put up a wall?

Then God comes in and speaks to me,

"Don't worry my child, you are free."

In that moment I know true love, 

the love I seek to give must come from above.

Pull Your Pants Up

This week has been very full of activities. On Saturday morning, the children left for camp, and we were left at the Children's Home with the high schoolers and nursery children who didn't go to camp. We tried to have some fun, even though it was so quiet and sad without all of the little ones here running around and making noise! 

Sala Cuna (nursery) childrens wishing they could go to camp!

On Sunday after church we had a fun and interesting cookout by the soccer field. While the men were doing their thing on the grill, the kids on the team from the States taught the children how to Shag. That was so funny, and although it was hard for the Hondurans, I think they really enjoyed it! When I say that the cookout was interesting, what I really mean is: who knew Hondurans wrapped their hotdogs in plastic?! Yes, plastic. After cooking a few hotdogs (aka almost all of the hotdogs), we realized that something wasn't right... After learning that each individual hot dog was wrapped in a plastic wrapper, we had to go back through and unwrap them all... talk about time-consuming and just plain weird! After eating all those hotdogs, we took a hike up the mountain across from the Children's Home to see the gorgeous views.

Wendy, Anita and I before church started

Dancing with precious Yolani (blind since birth, but doesn't let that stop her from a good time!)

peeling plastic off of the hotdogs....

This mountain is called Noah's Ark- such a pretty view!

Jimy and I at the top of the mountain

On Monday, we took a day trip to a park called Pulhapanzak. We always laugh at this name because it sounds like you're saying "pull your pants up." haha. It was about a 3-hour drive out there and towards the end of the journey it was gorgeous! It was like a mix of Charleston and Lake Jocassee: mountains, marsh grass, water, and seafood restaurants. Talk about the best of both worlds.

the view from the bus window on the way out.

When we arrived in the park, we explored and found some awesome views of the waterfall. The waterfall was maravilloso, but the best part was the beautiful rainbow that appeared at the bottom. Moments like this are what truly take my breath away.

rainbow under the waterfall

While pondering over the beauty of what we were seeing, people began zooming across the top of the waterfall on a zipline. Of course we weren't going to pass up that awesome opportunity. We found the tour guides, gave them our money, and hit the ropes. For my first time every zip-lining, it was really fun! After going back and forth over the river, the canopy tour ended with a ride over the big waterfall... Another moment that took my breath away.

that little speck is me zip-lining over the falls!

yet another rainbow to cap off our day

On Tuesday, we went to City Mall, which is the biggest mall in Central America. This mall makes no sense to me. Inside there is a Timberland and North Face store, Nautica, and many other expensive designer brands. And the weirdest part is that this massive mall was built a block away from one of the poorest and most dangerous barrios in Honduras- Flor del Campo. While at the mall, we decided to go to the movies. We tried to get into the Despicable Me 2 movie, but they only had VIP tickets which were outrageous. Although Monsters University was completely in Spanish without any subtitles, we decided to see that one. It was discount day, so the movie was only L55, about $2.60 in US money. We got our popcorn, found our seats, and right as the movie was about to begin, we saw some familiar faces walk into the theatre. It was the children from our Children's Home! We were both VERY surprised to see each other there, but we took advantage of this fun time, bought lots more popcorn, and laughed our heads off at the movie.

Yesterday, we went into Flor del Campo for the devotional at the school that LAMB has there. It is always a special time with those children. We spent the morning in Flor, interviewing various women from our microcredit program and visiting one of the micro-businesses. The business that we visited was that of a 20 year old girl who works with her mother, has almost 15 employees, attends university, and is in the 99th percentile of her class.... talk about a rockstar! She sells dried bananas and they are DELICIOUS! After leaving Flor, we headed to Valle de los Angeles, a tourist shopping town up in the mountains. We spent most of the afternoon there, eating, walking, and doing what girls do best, shopping!

precious daycare boys

Alyssa snuggling with the baby that peed on her. 

20 yr old business owner and college student- impressive!

Picasso and I with the painting I bought from him. Yes, he calls himself Picasso...

Last night we had a fogata (bonfire) with some of the kids. It took us a while to get the fire going, but it turned out to be a blast.

Moises fueling the fire

Needless to say, this week has been a busy one, but so much fun! It is hard to believe that I have been here for almost a month and a half. Although this summer has been hard in many ways, I am thankful for the constant reminders from the Lord that I am where he has me and that's all that matters.

I shall not be shaken

I have some of the sweetest friends a girl could ask for. Before I left for Honduras about a month ago, I had breakfast with two dear friends of mine. They each wrote me a few letters to read throughout my trip. One of the envelopes was labeled: "read this when you need some encouragement." I will be honest, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to read this one all summer, but the real truth is that God has challenged me in more ways than I could have imagined since I have been here. The other night as I was having a minor emotional meltdown, I remembered this letter. After opening it, I clung to the words written on it: words of love, words of affirmation, words of true encouragement. The tears were flowing even more now. Although my friend had written that she saw Jesus in me, I was seeing Jesus in her and her words in this moment. She had listed a number of verses on the back, but the first one was enough to get me going and thinking for this entire week.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence;

    from him comes my salvation.

² 

He alone is my rock and my salvation,    

my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."

Psalm 62:1-2

If you are like me, I have heard this verse many times throughout the years, but I never really took the words directly to my heart. 

When my heart is trying to pull me in a million different directions, my God is the solid rock that holds my salvation. 

When I feel like my world is crumbling around me, God is my fortress. 

And I certainly will not be shaken!

Honduran Culture

This week, the three interns and I have been in Siguatepeque, a city about two hours away from Tegucigalpa, HN. We have been spending the week with the wonderful people here at the YWAM base. Throughout the week, we have been doing seminars and activities involving Honduran culture. This has been a perfect way for the interns to spend their first week here, learning a lot about the people they are here to serve. We have learned how to make lots of traditional Honduran foods, learned some new slang words, and even learned how to do a typical Honduran dance. Yes, we looked like dancing fools, but that isn't even the best part. Last night we had a block party on the street outside the base, with tons of food (that we helped prepare), a fun band, and tons of people. At the beginning of the party, we performed the dance we had learned in front of everyone.... We were also wearing some traditional Honduran outfits, too. It was such a blast! This week has been such an amazing learning experience for all of us. It has been such an honor and a blessing to learn so much about the people and culture that has such a huge place in my heart. So here are some pictures!

Monica getting her hair done for the dance. 

Getting my hair done was a little painful...

My lovely dance partner!

"Malia"

 I arrived in Honduras yesterday, with the usual applause for the pilot as we landed in the second most dangerous airport in the world. This was my first successful flight into Honduras flying solo! Traveling alone to a foreign country can be a little nerve-racking sometimes.

After I arrived, we headed over to a pool party for Elsa, one of Suzy's children. It was very fun to swim in that refreshing water, while the air above was humid and caliente. We ate PB&J's, some yummy cake, and then hacked at the piñata for a good while. People... this piñata is the largest piñata I have EVER seen...

After the party, we packed up some food and clothes and headed out to the Children's Home for a sleepover! We played and played and played, then we had a fogata (bonfire)! It was a blast, we played games, sang songs, told stories. It felt like I was at camp again. It was fun to see such joy in all of the children.

Just singing some songs

Dance contest?

Amanda telling Marvin the story of how Chicho died...

By far the best part of the trip so far is walking into Sala Cuna. Sala Cuna is the nursery for our littlest ones. I knocked on the door and Lester David opened, and after doing a double-take, he came running into my arms and yelled, "Malia, Malia!" (in an attempt to say Maria). After hearing this, the rest of the children came running from the back room, and my name became a chant with their small, little voices- "Malia..Malia!" It warmed my heart so much to see how much they loved and missed me. That they remembered me by name, just as I have remember them.

It was a reminder in that moment that I was loved. That not only do these children remember me by name, but my God in heaven above remembers me by name. 

Jesus is Enough

Last Sunday, I went to small group as I do most Sundays. The hosts of our group have two children. While we are meeting, their 5 year-old has quiet time and their 2 year-old takes a nap. While the kids were sleeping this past Sunday, I discussed the stresses and anxiety surrounding my trip to Honduras coming up. In one week from today I will be on a plane to the country that I love. This sounds like a dream come true if you know how much I love that country and my family there, but this return has seemed to be more bitter than sweet. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get there and hug everyone and spend two months loving them, serving them, and learning from them.

After my small group prayed over me and encouraged me, the 2 year-old woke up from her nap a little early and came out to join us. She had her blanket in one hand and her little Jesus Storybook Bible in the other. She walked towards me and climbed right on up in my chair with me, and said something that I was sure I wasn't hearing right (being a 2 year-old, she can be a little hard to understand at times). But nonetheless, she kept repeating it, over and over. She was saying, "Jesus is enough. Jesus is enough." Isn't it funny how the Lord can use a 2 year-old to teach me to have a child-like faith? He knew the struggles within me and the fears that came from my own heart, and used a child to tell me that He is enough.

So when I think of the stress and anxiety surrounding this trip, I remember, Jesus is enough.

When I think of a very ill family member that I may be seeing for the last time before I leave, I remember, Jesus is enough.

When I think of a grandmother (whom I happen to live with) who has been dealing with anxiety and nervousness for a few months, making it even harder to leave her in a big ole house by herself, I remember, Jesus is enough.

When my head is filled with lies that come from the enemy that tell me I am incapable of loving the people in Honduras, incapable of loving the interns I will be leading, and inadequate at sharing the love of Jesus, I remember, Jesus is enough.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I need to allow those workings to transform my heart and equip my hands to love His children, but first to love myself.

"Comfort Zone"

I wasn't planning on going very deep with this blog post, but with a title like that I feel like I have to... Well, we all have our comfort zones, and there comes a point when we have to leave them and cross those awkward, uncomfortable lines to experience greater things than those in the confines of our bubbles. Sometimes they don't seem so great at first, but from my experience, leaving my comfort zone builds a greater boldness in my heart, as well as adding some adventure, and who doesn't like adventure? We often hear in the Christian realm that life isn't supposed to be comfortable. We believe that if we are comfortable we must not be doing everything we can to further God's kingdom. Is this true? Maybe or maybe not, but isn't it hard to leave our comfort zone? HECK YES IT IS.

But... when we are comfortable, is it easier or harder to trust the Lord? Is it easier or harder to rely on Him for everything that we need?

When I think of my comfort zone, I think of Honduras. When I went to Honduras for the first time, I was definitely leaving my comfort zone, and during my time there I saw many people in discomfort.

But... were they not trusting the Lord more than I? Were they not relying on the Lord for each and every little thing that they needed?

Ironically, my comfort zones have switched. Honduras has become the place where I feel peace and security, and leaving Honduras forces me to cross those awkward, uncomfortable lines back into the United States. Here is the States, I constantly have to be reminded that I can't sit here comfortably, while darkness and evil surrounds me. I can't watch comfortably while people go on not knowing the love, comfort, peace and provision of God. The God who has given me this same love, comfort, peace and provision to share with those who do not know it.

I want these words to be my daily anthem, not to be forgotten or set aside:

"The priceless gift You gave was not for me to hold. I will spend all my days giving back the love You gave. I'm gonna waste it all on You, I'm gonna pour my hearts perfume, I don't care if I'm called a fool, I'm wasting it all You."

Kim Walker-Smith

So, now onto the real reason I wrote this blog post... it seems trivial now in comparison to what the Lord apparently wanted me to write today (above). But I suppose it helps put into perspective all that I said above.

A few months ago, a friend asked me to paint something for he and his wife. He wanted me to paint a picture representing the washing of the disciples' feet by Jesus. I started it immediately, but was soon discouraged after I had only painted the canvas completely black. I realized this painting was outside of my comfort zone, it was unlike anything I had been asked to paint before. The black canvas sat behind my bedroom door for weeks... I didn't even know where to begin. I wanted to finish it by their birthday, but their birthday was fast approaching, and by fast approaching I mean it was the Friday before their Sunday birthday party and I still had a black canvas sitting behind my bedroom door. I sat, I drew, and decided to just go for it, after all, I decided I could just paint it black and start all over again if it was that bad...

I stepped through that awkwardness of the darkness of that canvas, and trusted the gift God gave me. By leaving my comfort zone, I surprised myself by what I was able to achieve. By all means it wasn't a masterpiece, but I felt more confident and bold after I finished it. I think this provides an image that explains what I was talking about in the first half of this post. Step out. Be bold. Trust.

The priceless gift You gave was not for me to hold. I will spend all my days giving back the love You gave. 

Winding Down

I have been MIA for a while, not posting very often. I can't lie and say that I have been busy, although lots of great things have been going on.

- This semester is almost over. You know what that means? ONLY ONE YEAR LEFT. Praise the Lord for helping me make it this far.

-My wonderful, God-loving cousin got married this weekend. The father-daughter dance was to "Get Up Offa That Thing" by James Brown.... enough said. Let's just say I danced my little booty off.

I took some bridal portraits of her last month. Isn't she gorgeous?!

- I started going to a new small group this weekend. This has been a significant part of my life that has been missing for a while, and it is crazy to see how the Lord is already blessing me through this awesome group of people.

- I am going to be taking a summer class in May.... Criminology- whatever that is. I almost made it through college without any summer classes. But this girl is going to graduate on time, ain't no doubt about it.

- Only 54 days until I leave for Honduras for two months. I am beyond excited and can't wait for June.

-I realized my baby sister is getting old. She is graduating from high school, y'all. I can't believe it.

-We threw a bridal shower at the Old Village Post House last month too.

the bride

These are just some updates on things that have been going on in my life, but expect some deep stuff coming at ya soon, 'cause God is doing some crazy things over here.