I'm not alone.

Caution: Do not read this unless you are prepared to hear some whining, some deep personal stuff, and a few cliches.

Woah. It has been a roller coaster of a past few weeks. And the kind of roller coaster that you swear you never want to ride again. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but I'm gonna tell you how it is straight up tonight. (Sorry). So yeah, life feels like it is falling apart sometimes. Like I can't find a moment of peace or quiet or rest. Like I can't laugh or cry of find interest in things I love. Like there's this deep deep hole I'm trapped in. And inside that hole, I'm all alone. [I am aware that this sounds a lot like one of those intense, sad commercials for some depression medication. Once again, my apologies].

Anyways, while I am sitting wallowing in my own self-pity (cliche, I know) trying to release some frustrations and unwanted emotions from the past few weeks, I click on my Itunes shuffle. And of  course, what do you know? The first song that pops up is exactly what I needed to hear (cliche again... oops). I don't recall ever listening to/buying this song. But here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGNr72tB5XE

And here are the lyrics: 

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

I'm sorry if I am bringing you guys down tonight. I guess I've been holding it in a little too long and we all know that is just a recipe for disaster. So I'm spilling it out to you all, lucky you! The truth is, my life isn't so bad at all. It can be hard to convince myself of this. I may struggle. I may have moments where I cry so hard my eyes are red the whole next day. And I may have moments where I laugh so hard that I am actually nervous I might wet my pants. But in all those moments, God is there with me. He is there with every person who is hurting. Every person who is laughing or crying. I just need to open these eyes of mine that get so easily blinded and accept it. I need to accept him, to trust him. 

Trust. This is a whole different subject for a different time, but trust is something I have recently been battling against. Well not against trust, but against my lack thereof. Especially my trust in the Lord. He is faithful, He loves me no matter what I do, no matter where I am. He isn't disappointed in me. He is trustworthy. 

So now that I've lost half of you on the way down this far- congrats to those of you who made it- this is about all I've got to say for now. This was a long post (unintentionally), and thanks for letting me vent to you, whoever you are. 

P.S. Here is another song to go with my theme- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8QubLxJI54

Holi: Festival of Colors

Last week was my spring break, so although I did nothing for the first half, I headed to Clemson for the second half. I had a blast getting to be with friends I don't get to see very often. We did a smorgasbord of things while I was there, but one thing I really enjoyed was going to Holi. Holi is a spring festival performed in India to celebrate colors. They basically have this colorful, dyed powder that they rub on themselves and each other. The Indian group at Clemson put on an event with some yummy Indian food and lots and lots of colors. It was really cool to see and experience a tradition that belongs to people of another culture. Here are some pics:

Down in the Dumps

    This may be due to a combination of things, like the fact that it is pouring outside or the fact that one of my teachers cancelled class 10 minutes before it started after I biked all the way to campus in the rain. But the bottom line is that today, I was not really feeling it. I just knew it wasn't going to be a good day when I woke up. Then, of course, God had some other plans.
     For a little background on the past few weeks, they've been kinda bleh at times. I've been missing the children in Honduras, I haven't been loving school (not many people do though, so that's kind of normal), I got pretty sick with the stomach bug, and on top of all that, haven't felt very good about my walk with the Lord. Contrary to what we are constantly told about God's love for us, I've been feeling like He has been very disappointed in me.
     So this brings us back to this morning, with the rain (which I normally love unless I have to bike to class in it). I  remembered that my friend told me he had prayed for me and wrote down some words he felt like the Lord wanted me to hear. He told me last night that he stuck them in the back of my bible, so I pulled them out and gave 'em a look. I can not explain the encouragement that came from that little piece of paper, filled with words telling me that the Lord was pleased with me, and proud of me. It humors me how much the Lord can change the direction your day is going, just like that! He knows me, He knows my heart, and He knows my struggles and my triumphs. He is with me through all of it.

Be encouraged today, because God is with you!

Reflections

I know the title sounds like this post could potentially contain some deep stuff, but don't worry, I'll spare you for now. I actually just wanted to say that one of my favorite things on this earth is when the sky reflects off of the water, especially when the sun is setting. This happened last Wednesday night, so my sister and I found ourselves at the Pitt Street bridge, as usual. Here are some shots:

Also, I just really love my sister!

Isn't she just adorable!?

Marvin

I've really been missing this little guy, a lot. His name is Marvin. He is a child at the Children's home of the LAMB Institute in Honduras (here's an older post about LAMB). I went to this children's home over Christmas break, and every day I wish I was still there. Marvin is one of the kids who really touched my heart while I was there in ways I didn't think were possible. I think about him often, it's actually hard for me to get my mind off of him these days. I wondered what his story was for quite some time after I returned home, until I read this blog post about he and his sister's story. It really broke my heart. I take for granted too many things, even my sister. Some of these children, like Marvin, have had to fight and struggle to keep siblings from being stolen and trafficked. I pray for their safety, their health, their well-being, and most of all that they would feel God's unending love for them always.

Fancy Shmancy

Yesterday was my beautiful roommate Sam's birthday. In honor of her, we got all dolled up and went to a very fancy restaurant. I was a little nervous because I am not used to such "fine dining". Other than a few minor embarrassments, I survived! I did realize through the whole experience that I am very glad I don't have an abundance of money or an expensive taste... because nice restaurants can be so stressful! Especially when there are few things on the menu to choose from and they include things like Portuguese Octopus and beet puree. Enough said.

The Bible cracks me up..

I've been reading 1 Samuel this week, slowly but surely. If you haven't read it, it's pretty great, and actually pretty funny! As an example, I will share with you my favorite verses in this book so far after I give you a little context. Basically, Eli's family has been cursed because his sons were blasphemous. God told him that everyone in his family would perish, and that his two sons would die on the same day. It goes on, there was a huge battle, the Philistines captured the Ark of the Covenant, and both of Eli's sons were killed. Benjamin (a messenger) comes to tell Eli the news of his sons deaths and the capture of the Ark of the Covenant. And here's the best part:

     "As soon as he mentioned the ark of God, Eli fell over backward from his seat by the side of the gate, and his neck was broken and he died, for the man was old and heavy."


Isn't that just great?! It makes a pretty interesting mental image for me: a fat, old man falling over and dying- just like that. On a more serious note, it really shows the power of the Lord. Just like that, all of these people perished for disobeying him. I'll be honest, that's intimidating. But his love is so great for us, that when we fail, he forgives us and doesn't destroy us on the spot. So thankful!